Where have I have been…You ask.
Right where I should be. Better yet, right where I want to be.
Hibernating like a bear for the past 4 months… Bear invites you into the cave. Bear who sits at my right hand side represents Introspection. “The strength of Bear medicine is the power of introspection. It lies in the West on the great medicine wheel of life. Bear seeks honey, or the sweetness of truth, within the hollow of an old tree. In the winter, when the Ice Queen reigns and the face of death is upon the Earth, Bear enters the womb-cave to hibernate, to digest the year’s experience. It is said that our goals reside in the West also. To accomplish the goals and dreams that we carry, the art of introspection is necessary.” So that’s what I have been doing. Not intentionally at first. It just happened.
It all started because we decided it was time to move to a different house. One better suited for ALL of us. As I started the work on our beautiful 1922 gem I was left with loads of music, the constant supervision of our fur babies and my thoughts. Now if you know me, you know that going within is not new to me, you also know that I choose to be busy. What can I say, I was born on the 1st, I’m a Sagittarius, a fire sign and I’m a wanderer! I love to experience life! I also love to enter the silence to connect with The Universe, Me, God, Mother Earth, ALL of it, it’s all the same to me. I found myself thinking of these words by John O’Donohue, “May I have the courage today to live the life that I would love, To postpone my dream no longer, But do at last what I came here for And waste my heart on fear no more.”
I have also recently read an article about the Top 5 Responses from people on their death beds. This nurse, Bonnie Ware would ask her patients before their death…of their regrets. Thanks cousin Jen for posting that! Because oddly enough my thoughts… my internal conversations were similar to this article…
As I worked on our house, I worked on me. With each box I packed I unpacked my thoughts, feelings and self. With each item and room I rearranged, I evaluated and rearranged my priorities, goals, relationships, boundaries and illusions. How interesting that my thoughts, my internal dialogue were similar to those common regrets of the dying. There is only one difference… mine are not regrets, yet…nor do I intend them to be!
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This is something that I have always tried to do. Naturally I’ve gotten absorbed by $, expectations, obligations, comfort and fear. We all have them! The key here is to ACKNOWLEDGE them! To often humans like to push it all aside, stuff it down, tomorrow you say… I am SO GRATEFUL for those nagging feelings, signs and synchronicity’s… the calling of my soul… that The Universe keeps tossing at me to wake me up!
I wish I didn’t work so hard. Three cheers for this, am I right?! I don’t know anyone who hasn’t thought this. I mean I’ve heard stories about people who don’t feel this way. They either get it and have found their passion, their purpose which also creates an income or they are lying. I knew I never wanted to feel this…I have a lot though…This last time was different! It was because I said it was going to be! Put in the long hours it will pay off, stay on track, you can do this, is what I told myself over and over and over as I worked all day cleaning, did office work, came home played house with my family. At first it was just Jarrad, me and our dogs and then kids were added to the mix… after they went to bed I would do more office work, I’d wake up early to have some me time and do more office work then do it all over again for several years… I did all this knowing without a doubt it would pay off. I am so proud to say that is did, it has!!! I put in the hard work and long hours knowing it was temporary to have the freedoms in life that I do right now. I did not do any of this alone. My husband, my kids, my partner and friends were all there for me, supporting and sacrificing. I am truly thankful for all of you!
Interesting the theme here, lay the ground work, do the work, reap the benefits. We to often forget to do this with ourselves. This can play out the same in all aspects of our lives and relationships. Think about it.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Well… Ya’ll know I have no issues with this! HA! I am happy to say that over the years my skills of communication have been refined. I use to get so hurt or angry because I just didn’t understand why others could not share, could not say, could not express themselves with each other or more deeply with themselves. I get it now. This is really difficult for people. People do not like to rock the boat. In my opinion to many people have been conditioned generation after generation to suppress their feelings to keep the peace. You would think that with my big mouth and loud voice that peace is the last thing that I am interested in…WRONG! Part of MY peace is letting it all out. Good, bad, ugly and the in between. I do it because it is good for me. I am so grateful that I was raised with the thought of as long as your intent is not to harm then do it. If you mean it, say it. Honor yourself! By doing so you will honor others. They may be hurt or react in a way that is not joyful to what you say and do but for me, this I know to be true… That IS on them. Don’t be afraid to start or have a conversation about this when it does happen. Your relationships will blossom. Sometimes others can’t handle that much truth, it scares them. That’s okay, remind yourself that that is on them not you.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Wow, how true is this one. I have been blessed in this department of life ten fold! I LOVE YOU ALL! When it comes down to your dying days isn’t there only one thing that matters? Isn’t that just L O V E, love? Man, I think so. Love and relationships. Our day could be any day, don’t wait!
I wish that I had let myself be happier. Golly. This is a huge issue for people! Myself included. We have all these illusions of who we should be, what we should be doing, saying… how we should look, what would so and so say or think of this or that. We have all these questions about how can I be happier, what would make me happy? I believe that their are many questions to life that often lead back to love and happiness. So, if we choose to believe that there are all these questions should we not believe that there are answers? There are! Within YOU for YOU. Please know that it okay to change your mind on what happiness is to you. We get this fear that if we change our direction it means that you’re confused or we fear others will think we are a hypocrite. We think ourselves a failure if we don’t have it figured out or get it right the first time. Is life not a journey? Are those turns, curves and u-turns not part of our paths? I wish you happiness!
NOW, GO GET LOST, IN YOU!